


I'm Tired

by 6erikar9



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-17
Updated: 2018-03-06
Packaged: 2019-03-19 17:20:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13709097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/6erikar9/pseuds/6erikar9
Summary: uGhf





	1. The Past (BG Info)

I MISS YOU. 

ERIDAN?

ANSWER THE FUCKING PHONE. 

IM SORRY. 

i dont wwant you

go awway

\----------

Have you ever been in love?

Have you ever looked into someone's eyes, even when all you have is an old selfie they took months ago? Have you ever fought with them, only to promise to never say another negative word to them again? Have you ever stayed up at night, crying because you pissed your partner off, and they won't even reply to you? Have you ever realized how hard it is to actually love someone?

I was 12 years old, I barely even knew what a real fucking dick looked like, but I knew I liked guys. On April 15th, 2016, I met someone pretty fucking cool on a roleplaying website. We clicked almost instantly- he was much nicer than I would ever expect someone to be. We talked for quite a while, and our first roleplay was- cringey, but special. We were constantly flirting with each other, and shit got pretty awkward considering we were both taken, but it was fine. I left my "girlfriend," mainly to see if he would leave whoever he was dating as well. 

He did. 

On may 1st, 2016, Eridan Ampora asked me out. It was 3PM, and he wrote an entire paragraph about why he wanted to be with me. He was fucking perfect, and we never argued- but there was a pretty fucking big issue in the way. It was long distance- and our parents didn't know we were a thing. I loved him so much, for the first few months, all we talked about was how perfect the other person was, but of course, nothing lasts forever. Things got really rocky- and they started going downhill faster and faster. I left- I won't say why, but I did, and it hurt me more than it hurt him. Ever since that day, I've wanted nothing to do with his friends. I was almost certain he wouldn't take me back, but after enough begging, he gave in. Things were okay, I was happy to have my boyfriend back, but all of it was extremely unstable- and I was anxious about everything. I was crazy to think things would be the same- because even to this day, the same fire and passion that was there before seems to have dissipated. I fucked up far too much for him to love me the same, but it's fine. One day, I'll learn to be good enough. Maybe not today- maybe not tomorrow, but before I die, I'll prove that I'm worth having. I'll show him I'm useful- I'll make him want to keep me around.   
But then- he left me. For 12 hours. It was pathetic, honestly, /I/ was pathetic. The amount of pills I took to make everything better should've been fucking illegal. This time, he begged me to take him back- but he told me he went back to his old friends too. He wanted to go back to the people who split us apart, and for that reason, I wanted nothing to fucking do with him. If he wanted me back, he wouldn't go back to them. If he wanted me back, he would go forwards, not backwards. But I took him back, and this time I asked him out. Now, everything is hell. I love him so much, I'd be lying if I said it didn't kill me to see what this had become.   
I love you, Eridan. One day, the note I fucking leave you will bring you so much pain, but you'll realize you've wasted your time. I need you, but that isn't enough. All I can do, is send you links to the songs that make me think of you. 

It's 1AM, and you're sleeping. I hope you sleep well, and I hope this is the last thing you'll have to see from me. Listen to Fall For You by Secondhand Serenade. Listen to every song that could've been ours. Listen to whatever made you think about me when you were happy. The days where I could put a smile on your face were the best, but now, you don't even respond. It's something new every day, but even I have my limits. I promised not to leave you, but I couldn't hold on. I don't want to live to see another day. I don't want to fucking cry myself to sleep ever again because I fucked up. I don't want to feel. I don't want this. 

Then, I deleted it. Every fucking word of it. If I was going to die, you don't get to talk me out of it. I took the pills, I drank the wine, I cut every fucking inch of my disgusting body wherever I wanted to. And you were sleeping. I didn't talk to you for most of the next day. I was passed out, in my room, holding my phone close as I hoped I was fucking dead. The second I woke up, I sobbed. I sobbed until I realized you'd be pissed at me if I didn't check my messages. I apologized, and told you I was sleeping. Now, if I do anything to myself, I don't say anything. I don't apologize. I shouldn't have to fucking apologize for destroying my own body. 

You don't want me, I know. It's always something new, every day. You know the arguing is your fault, you took everything from me, but I love you. It's okay. 

We got to talk today. We had a real conversation, then I fucked it up. All of this is my fault, I'm sorry. I can't do this. I need to fucking leave, but I've pushed everything aside for you. For this. For us. It was never enough for you. You constantly put yourself first. It's all about you. When do I hang out with my friends? When do I do anything for myself? When do I fucking get mad at you for having feelings? When do I spend 10 fucking hours with my sister? When do I tell my "new" friend I love them? When do I do any of this dumb shit? When /have/ I done this shit?  
Never.   
What have I done?  
I get scared that you're cheating. That's reasonable, you fucking told your friend you loved them, and after I fucking split you two apart, you went back for them. Fucking greedy cunt. 

I love you.   
Don't worry about what you've done, I love you. I'm sorry for bringing it up. Please don't leave. Please don't fucking leave. 

Please respond. Please just fucking respond. I don't know what you're doing. You're probably with someone better. 

Sorry, I'll leave you alone. Goodnight Eridan. 

You were sleeping, is that fucking right? You slept the whole fucking day, after sleeping for the whole fucking night? This isn't going to fucking work. All you do is put yourself first. 

:). 

Happy Valentines day! Oh. Never mind. 

So, you're spending your time after school at a dance with your "friends" instead of thinking about the fact that your boyfriend fucking told you he wanted to read you your gift over the phone after school? Sure. 

I'm sorry, please don't fucking leave me, I promise I'll shut up next time. I promise you won't have to deal with me soon. 

I fucked my legs up so bad the day after. I stained the carpet. I stained my white shirt. It wasn't enough. It still hurts. You're fucking hurting me, but I don't want to fucking give up. 

Happy Birthday, I'll say, as I give you my thoughts and fears written down. Happy Birthday, I'll say to myself, when my birthday comes around, because I'll be alone by then. I gave up on myself far sooner than you think, don't worry. 

I'm hurting you. You want to die. You're pushing me away. I want it to stop. Stop pushing me away. 

I love you, good morning baby, I missed you. Oh. You're still asleep, that's okay. Good evening, sweetheart, I love you. Goodnight, Eridan, sleep well. 

I deleted the app. 

You apologized. Just one word. 5 letters. 

Don't be sorry, it's okay. Sleep well tonight too. 

You left again. It hurts, but it's fine. It was right before our two-year anniversary, but it's okay. I love you, I hope you can find someone better soon. 

I tried hitting you up today. You told me you didn't love me anymore. That's okay. 

We got back together on our anniversary. I missed you, did you miss me too? Yeah? You did? I love you, thank you for loving me too. 

I think it's time to stop thinking about the past.


	2. The Future

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this was going to be happy but shit  
> happened   
> i hate relationships lmao

I thought it would be okay. 

It wasn't. 

He's gone, and I'm fucking sick of it. I'm sick of fucking breathing, I'm such a vile waste of space, I might as well fucking be dead at this point. He broke up with me. And he fucking left that dumb emoji behind it too. 

Yeah. That one. Fuck that goddamn emoji, and fuck you, Eridan Ampora. Fuck you for hurting me, fuck you for making me feel needed, and fuck you, for refusing to even talk to me before you left. 

You're the one who never responded, you're the one who's always fucking busy, you're the one that didn't care. Do you fucking know how much damage you've done? If you break it, you fucking buy it you disrespectful, apathetic, pompous bastard. Why can't you understand how to be decent? Who fucking raised you to be such an asshole, and best of all, who fucking taught you that everything revolves around you. You're nothing. You're just another fucking number in the population, you haven't done anything with your life. But neither have I. 

Yet, I somehow, manage to realize when I'm really in the wrong. But tonight? No, "baby," I fucking wasn't. Hit me with that "oh, please take me back kar im sorry i wwont do it again" shit. Do it, I dare you. Fucking do it so I can show you everything you've done. Fucking do it, so I can record myself deleting every goddamn picture of you I own. Just fucking do it, so I can block you, and then enjoy how sweet the fucking silence is. 

I love you. 

Despite everything, I still fucking love you and I am absolutely fucking sick of it, but something is always going to remind me of you. 

After these two years, I've become so fucking numb. I don't care anymore. My wrists hurt, and throb, every time I look at them, but I'm just doing what's best. I'm doing what I want, now that you've left. I'm going to starve myself, I'm going to carve whatever I want into my fucking skin, I'm going to fuck whoever I want, and I won't regret any of it. 

I'm going to make sure I'm thin. I'm going to be as muscular as I want, I'm not going to grow some ugly fucking beard to please you. I'm not going to listen to music that you liked. I'm going to enjoy what I like with no shame. 

Good fucking riddance. 

But, once again, it's early in the morning. It's 1:17AM, and I'm listening to Worst Wishes by Movements. 

It makes me think about us. 

I fucking hate it, but it's on full volume, and I don't want to change that. It's so easy to cry now, it's so easy to think about what we could've been. It's so easy, to think about suffocating myself. It's so easy to think about the past. 

It's 1:19AM. No, 1:20. Now it's 1:30, I can't bring myself to move. I feel lost, I feel like I've lost everything that made me who I was. I don't even know what I really feel. So I sleep. 

The next morning, I look over at my guitar. 

I tried to learn all your favourite songs on it. I want to fucking burn it. 

The next best thing- art. I wanted to draw, just simple things. Then, I saw a drawing of your perfect face. I tore the page out, then threw it away. 

Music. I could listen to music. The first song that played when I hit shuffle was Snuff by Slipknot. That was fine, I was calm. But then, Kissing in Cars by Pierce the Veil came on. I still remember the strumming pattern on guitar, since I learned it for you. 

Down. Down up down up down. Down up down up down. Repeat. 

I hate it. 

I want to go back to bed, but all I can think about is how I would hold my pillow close as I fucking thought about you. I would feel warm and safe, I would fall asleep so fast. 

I'm scared to sleep now. What if I wake up, and find a message from you? What if I wake up, and see notifications from you? I'll be anxious instantly, but your username changed. You're going to delete it. You're not going to talk to me again. 

Part of me wishes you would've fucking stayed, but maybe now, I'll be able to tell myself that I have a reason to live. Maybe now, I'll go out and get high with my friends, and I just won't be able to give a shit. 

I'm so tired, but I can't sleep. I don't want to wake up and see a message from you. I don't want to wake up, and see multiple lectures from you. But one day, I won't have to be brave. I won't have to care. For now, all I know is that:

I'm tired.


	3. Now

I woke up. 

There were no notifications from you. 

I don't know why I'm disappointed. 

See, part of me wanted to wake up, and see that everything was okay. Part of me wanted to wake up to you asking me if we could try again. Hell, /all/ of me fucking wants you back, but that doesn't matter, does it? Maybe you'll come back, and maybe you'll let me make things better. 

You said you'd try, and then you left me. You fucking left me and I can't get over how overwhelming these emotions are. I feel numb, but I also feel pain, and pure depression. 

I don't know why. I don't know why it hurts, because you're probably fine. You're probably playing the Sims, enjoying the fact that you're free. You're probably ready to go off and be with people who'll actually fucking make you happy. That's fine. I'll live. 

But- every time I get a notification, my heart skips a fucking beat. I miss you. I miss us. It hasn't even been a whole day, but I'm already fucking done with myself. I don't even know what I did- all I fucking wanted you to do was respond. If I can't fucking see you on a daily basis, you need to fucking respond, or tell me you'll be busy. That's common sense. Common fucking sense. 

But guess what.

I still fucking love you. It's 11:05AM, and I'm still thinking about what it would be like if you didn't leave. Something tells me we won't be getting back together, and I'd love to be able to say it's fine. It isn't fucking fine, and neither am I, because there's seriously no fucking point in anything. You're embedded so deep into my life, and holy shit, I swear to fucking god I won't dig a hole that's this deep ever again. I won't write about my next partner for a slam poetry assignment at school, I won't draw their face when our art teacher tells us to draw someone important from memory, I won't fucking tell everyone how happy I am to be with my next partner. There probably won't even be a next partner, because I'm not going to do this shit ever again. I refuse to hurt myself more than I already have, and most of all, I refuse to hurt someone else like I hurt you. 

I refuse to try again. 

But for now, I'm just trying to get by. I'm listening to my favourite bands. Veil of Maya, Northlane, Napoleon, Shadow of Intent, Movements, La Dispute, Erra, The Black Dahlia Murder, Rings of Saturn, Fit For An Autopsy, Dance Gavin Dance, and Architects. 

It's so hard, but I know I'll live. I may not get over it, but I know that if you want to come back, I'll welcome you with open arms. I'm going to fucking write about you until I get over myself. I'm going to fucking make myself forget everything about you, just by writing about it until it doesn't hurt. 

So, Dear Eridan Ampora,

I love you. 

Sincerely,

Karkat Vantas.


	4. Doubt

I hate it.   
I hate the fact that we got back together, except- I don't.   
I hate the fact that you always say you love me, when it's obvious- you don't.   
So tell me, Ampora. Tell me why you want to give me a false sense of hope and security. Tell me why you have the fucking audacity to make me believe you and all of your petty lies. Tell me why, after all these years, months, days, hours, and minutes, you still can't even bother to tell me why you love me.   
Everything feels different, now that we decided to try again. Everything feels fake and, half the time I don't even know what we fucking are because you only say you love me when you know I'm pissed off. You only tell me you love me when I ask for you to say it.   
So naturally, I don't say it either.  
Sometimes, on nights like these, I wonder what you're doing. I wonder if you've found someone better, or if you're talking to people that are better than me. It's fine if you are, but I would just like to fucking know for once so I can gather a list of reasons to convince myself why I should leave. This time, it won't be temporary. This time, it'll be permanent, and I won't run back.   
I'd rather die alone than anxious, personally. I'd rather not have to fucking tell my own boyfriend that he needs to reply. I'd rather not hide my fucking feelings to stop said boyfriend from leaving.   
My name is Karkat Vantas, and I fucking love Eridan Ampora.   
But he's pushing me away. At this rate, he'll spend our anniversary with his friends, just like he did with Valentines Day. But I'm the one, who never forgets. I'm the one who plans ahead. I'm the one that does everything. So, naturally, I'm the one that's going to get my heart broken. I was such a dumbass to believe he meant anything he fucking said when we got back together. So here I am, crying at 10:55PM because he doesn't fucking love me. Here I am, crying at 10:56PM because I know that no matter what I do, I will never be enough to keep him happy and interested. Here I am, crying at 10:57PM because I'm scared.   
Everything hurts and it's too much to fucking handle but I swear to god, I would slit my throat if I could. Maybe then, I'd feel something worth the pain. And maybe then, I'd enjoy that brief moment of relief before my body gives up just like the rest of me has. 

All of this.   
Because of some silly fucking seadweller.   
That can't fucking text me back.   
All of this.   
Because I'm too pathetic to let him go.   
All of this, because he promised he'd try harder.  
Every time I think about him leaving, I get a tingly feeling of pain in my chest and it's agonizing mentally. Everything reminds me of him- if I left, I'd just make my life worse.   
One day, I tell myself.   
You'll know the right path. You'll know if you should stay or leave and- I want to stay. But there's no point. I know you'll read this and get pissed but-

You'll get over it. You don't know half the pain I'm going through because I actually love and respect you. I respond, I care, I fucking do everything just so you can disappear each and every night. 

All this relationship has taught me. 

Is that you should never fucking love someone. 

Like Eridan Ampora.


End file.
